Tag: Freedom

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV

I use to have allot of false beliefs about the Bible. I thought there was no way something so old could in any way relate to my life and honestly I questioned if it was even real. I’ve literally said things like “just because it’s old doesn’t mean it’s true”, “it is just made up stories to teach us morals”, and so many other things along those lines.

I know I am not the only one to have had such thoughts. Maybe someone reading this now still has questions and doubts, just like I did.

I will share my personal journey through this wilderness and pray my testimony helps shed some light.

Going back to “how could something so old relate to my life?” In 2012 I entered my first rehab, Wellspring. It was a faith based program and the place I had my first real encounter with Jesus. Up untill that point I saw God as cruel and far removed from my life and I had no clue who Jesus was. Of course I knew He was God’s son and I knew the Christmas story but I had no real understanding of His love and sacrifice. I had more doubts and questions than anything.

I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to go to such a Spirit filled place. I had amazing women of God come beside me and through their unconditional love and grace I was able to see God in a whole new light and I met my Savior for the first time.

While at Wellspring all our classes were biblically based and I chose to take the time to really get to know God and for the first time in my life, I started studying the Bible. In the beginning it was completely foreign to me, like learning a new language. But with lots of guidance and perseverance, I began to understand more and more.

Once while in my personal prayer time I felt God telling me to read Deuteronomy. So I got out my Bible, started reading and with in a few minutes began doubting that I had really heard from God. I put the Bible back down.

Later that evening some ladies came to the house to have prayer meeting. We each paired with one of the volunteers. I will never forget this day. My volunteer was Margaret, whom I had never even had a conversation with. She asked what I would like her to pray for me about, I’m sure I gave her some generic response, I don’t even remember that part. What I do remember is while she was praying for me, she said, and I quote ” Mirranda, God wants you to read Deuteronomy”!!! Talk about the Holy Spirit reading your mail! I was a little freaked out I’m not even gonna lie. But mostly I was in awe! The fact that God, who before coming there, I believed did not care about me, was using a complete stranger to confirm what I heard Him tell me earlier, showed me how much He cares for me personally.

Of course I went back to read Deuteronomy. Only this time I asked God to show His Word to me how it was meant for me. God is a personal God that knows us intimately and had each of us in mind when He inspired the authors of the Bible.

He revealed to me how I was the “Israelites”, I am His chosen people, rescued and set free from the bondage of slavery (addiction was my Egypt). Now looking back at their journey through the wilderness it’s even more relevant now, than it was 8 years ago.

It wasn’t long after God freed me I was back lost going around the same mountain. Just like them I chose to pick back up idols and false god’s. I began romanticizing my old life in captivity. The toughness of the wilderness had me missing my old life.

Just like the serpent put doubt in Eve’s mind, he had me questioning God’s promises to me and doubting whether or not I was really delivered.

My doubt turned into disobedience. Disobedience into wandering lost in the wilderness. Even despite of myself, God led me into the promised land. The wilderness was God’s way of refining me. Just like none of the older generation got to cross into the promised land, my old self and way of life had to die in that wilderness!

I am thankful God has given me new eyes to see with. Now every page of His Word tells my story and no matter what the victory is mine through Jesus Christ!

So be encouraged that no matter what you’re going through, you can find your story. Whether you’re a Ruth, grieving your lost husband and journeying into unknown lands, a Saul who doesn’t know Jesus at all or somewhere in between. Your story is in there! And spoiler alert, no matter what you win!!!

When tragedy hits we often look for someone to blame. I know I sure did when my brother died. I looked to blame anyone and everyone. I blamed my mother for her inability to show us love. I blamed my husband for his inability to say no. Most of all I blamed God! After all, He could of gave us a mom that loved us, a dad that would not leave us, parents that were not not addicts right? I blamed myself for not being there more, I was too caught up in my own addiction to help him.

Losing someone so close to you so suddenly really takes its toll on you. Well it did me anyways. I got so lost in my grief I couldn’t function unless I self medicated. I got to a point where I lost all hope.

But God!

God heard my cries and saw me down in that pit of self pity. He rescued me from the deep waters of grief and guilt. He took me to a place of safety under His wing. He opened my eyes to see things from a new perspective. I was able to see my mother, broken and unable to love herself, so how could she love anyone else. I saw my husband devastated with grief and suffocating in guilt. I saw God as the loving father who’s heart broke for them as much as it did for mine.

But I still needed someone to blame. So it had to be the devil then right? He is the thief that came to lie, steal and destroy, the enemy of our soul’s right? So it has to be the devil that’s to blame.

But wait a minute, I thought all our days are written in the book of life. So the blame goes back to God right?

Phew, I’m so glad we serve a God big enough for all my questions and doubts. Not only is He big enough, He has all the answers I’m looking for. I’m thankful we can come to Him with all our hurt and confusion.

Along my journey of healing and freedom I’ve come to a place where I am no longer looking to blame someone. I am able to forgive and have compassion. I am no longer looking to figure out why things happen the way they do. I have learned “His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways”. What I do know is this, nothing takes Him by surprise and everything we experience has a purpose.

My brothers death is part of His bigger picture. He sees it from the end, I can only see it from the scene I’m in, so I don’t know all the why’s and I’m OK with that.

I am able to have a heart of gratitude. I’m grateful that because of our mom’s lack of love, me and Miles shared a love that many never get to experience. It not only gave us the ability to love each other unconditionally it gave us the heart to love the forgotten, broken and abused.

Because of the healing God has done in my life I am able to look back and see where God was always there, and that Jesus never stopped perusing me. Even in my darkest times, He was the light at the end of the tunnel. Every hurt and dissapointment I’ve experienced has brought me to a place of joy and thankfulness. I am able to rejoice in my little victories because I know what it is to be in last place with no hope of even finishing the race.

If we’ve never experience winter and never felt the cold how could we appreciate the spring and the warmth of summer? God knew that when He created the seasons, just like He knows what we must walk through in life to get us to where He destined for us to be.

In no way am I saying my brother had to die so I could end up where I am. Before my brother was knit together in our mothers womb God had a plan for him. I do not know why some people’s lives are ended in their youth while others live to have grandkids and great grandkids. But I am confident that my Abba knows what He is doing! I do know my brothers death has impacted more people than I will ever know and it will continue to help others because I will continue to share my journey with others. I also know losing my brother saved the lives of me and my husband and we will continue to live to help others!

Please know whatever you are going through God is faithful, He is close to the broken hearted and He makes beauty for ashes. Just look up, He’s waiting with open arms, ready to show you a love you never knew existed, one that heals our deepest wounds and oldest scars.

Today someone that is very special to me said they wanted to be proud of themselves before they could come visit me. That really got me thinking, how many of us are this way? How many blessings do you think we have missed waiting for when we felt we were deserving or ready? How many people are out there right now trying to get their “act” together before they give their lives to Christ?

As human beings we rely way too much on our feelings and on what society deems as “having it all together”. Is “having it all together” a credit score? Is it a certain amount of money in the bank? Maybe owning your own home? Or perhaps it is a college degree. The list goes on and on.

Me and my husband just had the conversation last night about money. Specifically the “need” for more lol. Because of this “need” my husband has worked allot of overtime. In doing so he has been away from home more than he has been home. During our conversation, I explained to him that we will always “need” more money. If we let the dollar amount in our bank account comfort us, we will never be satisfied.

In life we can always find reasons to not “feel” like we are who or where we need to be. Anytime we are looking at our selves and our own accomplishments we will always come up short. If we wait till we “feel” right, that time will never come. If we continue to wait, we miss all that God has for us!

God wants us to come exactly as we are. It is through our brokenness He is able to show His glory in the process of making us whole! Without Christ, there is no wholeness. You will try and try yet at the end of the day still feel that void of something missing. Trust me I know, I have been there, I spent most of my life there. Don’t waste another minute there waiting to have it all together, its an impossible task!

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

John 6:37 “Everyone whom the Father gives me will come to me, and the one who comes to me I will never send away.”

Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, lets settle this, says the Lord “though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them white as wool.”

Revelation 22:17 “The Spirit and the bride say, “come.” Let anyone who is thirsty come. Let anyone who desires drink freely from the water of life.”

Joel 2:32 “But everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things become new.”

Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this very thing, that He that begun a good work in you will continue until the day of Christ Jesus.”

In the above verses I see the words everyone, anyone, any, and all. Not once do I see “those that have it all together” or “those that have no problems”. I don’t know about you but that gives me reason to rejoice! Being in Christ doesn’t mean being perfect. It’s a place we can bring all our imperfections, all our worries, all our mistakes, our shame, our regrets and hurts. He welcomes us just as we are, exactly where we are!

I’m still learning not to place my confidence in temporal things like money and belongings. Can I just say the freedom I experience by trusting God far outweighs any freedom I’ve ever had.

I close saying all this just as much to myself and my husband as anyone else. Stop waiting for the right time, the right feeling, the right amount of money, because that time will never come. Take His invitation to “come” now! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!